Hello, You

I am a just another person, I am not particularly interesting or intelligent, in fact, I am pretty average in most quantifiable measures. I have never been rich and I have also never endured true poverty. But, sometimes my insecurities can prevent m from fully functioning and the level of self-sabotage is something quite extraordinary. To such an extent that viewing in retrospect, I can now find humour in my own miss guided behaviour. Or perhaps, Miss guided is unfair. It might well have been the only way to get me to here. Wherever here might be.

I suppose, in a way, just the act of writing this, whatever this, is, and publishing it somewhere other than the inside of my mind is a demonstration of willingness, willingness to at least attempt to claw out of my own shadow.

To at least in part, begin to embrace the darkest most vulnerable parts of myself . Those that I have tried hard to ignore, let alone accept. Note: part of the self deception; welcome self spiritual bypassing, who knew such a thing could exist? I hope for you, this is a specifically me thing, but I have my doubts.

My hope, is that this is the start of, at the least; grieving and at best; healing and integration and why present this to the world? Well because if I do, perhaps someone else might follow and do the same. As I have followed others and others have followed those before.

Having spent a far bit of time in therapy and read my share of self-help content I know that I suffer from a few mental and learning difficulties. Suffer is a strong word, to quantify to exactly what degree suffering is experienced it is useful to understand that my external Enviroment, the judgement of others and my internal critic and the power it yields at at any given time fluctuates and is therefore anything but linear. But of course, they are to a more of lesser degree still felt.

I have atypical depression. I have CPTSD, ADHD and I am dyslexic. I have been known to experience panic attacks, disassociation and mild depersonalisation. and I have limited memory of large periods of my childhood.

I Emotionally eat, I emotionally drink and I have used sex and love to fill a void that can’t be filled. For those who are familiar with the attachment styles; Having grown up with both an alcoholic ‘weekend’ father and a mother who sadly battled borderline personality disorder, I have a disorganised attachment style; meaning I present both attached and avoidant and have a propensity to both self abandon and co-depend.

I have been on a life-long quest to find true love and companionship and all I have managed to do is break my own heart more times than I can count. 

Sounds like I am introducing myself to you standing up at my chair in an AA style meeting. Well I suppose in some way that is what this is, right?

For so many years, I guess thinking about it, over a decade, I have wanted to share my story. Not because I feel that I need to be witnessed or validated for having a tough life, because it is all relative and I have had it easy comparatively, but because I have spent so much of my life hiding parts of myself, people gravitate towards me be… true accountability.

This will always be something I love, I want to inspire people to be brave and to radiate with confidence but It seams artificial and disingenuine to do so when I am not really walking my talk so to speak.

So there I am, 30 years old; I have a decent job, I share my life with friends and family,  I have a partner and I regularly enjoy wonderful holidays. From one perspective, it is going well!

BUT despite all of that, I feel painfully unhappy. I feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied. And every fibre of my body feels so tired. You know that kind of tired that is really hard to articulate, a whole mind and body tired a kind of numbness, perhaps? 

Remember that old phrase your parents, or possibly your grandparents would say to you? ‘You don’t know how lucky you are!’ Well, I have always berated myself with that statement whenever I felt that I wanted more than what I had, or in fact if I wanted different or new, or just something else that wasn’t, this.

That statement and so many others like it were so commonplace in my inner chat, that I would feel shameful almost on daily; how could I be so ungrateful? Curiously, despite the berating I didn’t actually stop feeling empty or numb. Funny that? It just made it worse! Further fuelling my self-loathing it would send me deeper into my own sadness. There really is nothing like a healthy dose of guilt to top off the drowning volume of insecurity!  

What is useful though, about swimming around in the depth of self-destruction is I certainly learnt how much I could drink, eat and snort before I needed to take a day off. I also learnt how much work I can do as a result of feeling guilty and ashamed of the day off from exhaustion. Looking back though, it is amazing how ‘productive’ a cycle like this can be if you have an addictive personality and a point to prove to the world.

What happened next wasn’t really a particular event as such; I didn’t suddenly stop drinking or doing drugs or working 100 hours per week. I just said ‘alright’ when the opportunity to go traveling came up. By this point, I was so desperate for something other than where I was, the ego had almost entirely drowned. Even she was no longer able to keep it up. Despite the comfortable salary, or the inner city lifestyle and everything that came with the facade.

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Three

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.

Blog Post Title Four

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.